rightly. I longed to be at it. One half of my longing came from the
desire to occupy my mind with something better than my poor bungled
love-affairs; and the other half from a frantic kind of determination to
shew my Mistress Dolly that I was better than she thought me; and that I
was man enough to attend to my affairs and carry them out competently,
even if I were not man enough to marry her. It must be understood that I
shewed no signs of this to anyone, and scarcely allowed it even to
myself; but speaking with that honesty which I have endeavoured to
preserve throughout all these memoirs, I am bound to say that my mind
was in very much that condition of childish anger and resentment. I had
a name as a strong man: God only knew how weak I was; for I did not even
know it myself.

* * * * *

There was a great crowd on Tower Hill to see my Lord Stafford's
execution; for not only was he well known, although, as I have said, not
greatly beloved; but the rumours were got about--and that they were true
enough I knew from Mr. Chiffinch--that he had said very strange things
about my Lord Shaftesbury, and how he could save his own life if he
willed, not by confessing anything of which he himself had been accused,
but by relating certain matters in which my Lord Shaftesbury was
concerned. However, he did not; yet the tale had gone about that perhaps
he would; and that a reprieve might come even upon the scaffold itself.

When I came to Tower Hill on horseback, about nine o'clock, the crowd
covered the most of it; but I drove my horse through a little, so that
I could have a fair sight both of the scaffold, and of the way, kept
clear by soldiers, along which the prisoner must come.