"What shall I be led to? Is there a being whom I may marry and who
would be the means of opening my eyes? Sometimes I think so--but it
appears impossible. Why should others tell me that it is so, and will
be so, in an unconscious way, as Larned did on Sunday last, and as
others have before him? Will I be led home? It strikes me these
people here, Alcott and Lane, will be a great deal to me. I do not
know but they may be what I am looking for, or the answer to that in
me which is asking.

"Can I say it? I believe it should be said. Here I cannot end. They
are too near me; they do not awaken in me that sense of their high
superiority which would keep me here to be bettered, to be elevated.
They have much, very much. I desire Mr. Alcott's strength of
self-denial, and the unselfishness of Mr. Lane in money matters. In
both these they are far my superiors. I would be meek, humble, and
sit at their feet that I might be as they are. They do not understand
me, but if I am what my consciousness, my heart, lead me to feel--if
I am not deceived--why then I can wait. Yes, patiently wait. Is not
this the first time since I have been here that I have recovered
myself? Do I not feel that I have something to receive here, to add
to, to increase my highest life, which I have never felt anywhere
else?

"Is this sufficient to keep me here? If I can prophesy, I must say
no. I feel that it will not fill my capacity. O God! strengthen my
resolution. Let me not waver, and continue my life. But I am sinful.
Oh, forgive my sins! What shall I do, O Lord! that they may be
blotted out? Lord, could I only blot them from my memory, nothing
would be too great or too much."