always despise the fatuous belief in such a deity. But as
everything in human affairs obviously happens by chance, it is
clear that no deity is responsible. If the deity guides chance
in that manner, then let the deity be despised. Apparently the
deity does not interfere, and all things happen by chance. I
cease, therefore, to look for traces of the deity in life,
because no such traces exist.

I conclude that there is an existence, a something higher than
soul--higher, better, and more perfect than deity. Earnestly I
pray to find this something better than a god. There is something superior,
higher,more good. For this I search, labour, think, and pray. If after all
there be nothing, and my soul has to go out like a flame, yet even then I
have thought this while it lives. With the whole force of my existence, with
the whole force of my thought, mind, and soul, I pray to find this Highest
Soul, this greater than deity, this better than god. Give me to live the
deepest soul-life now and always with this Soul. For want of words I write
soul, but I think that it is something beyond soul.

CHAPTER V

IT is not possible to narrate these incidents of the mind in
strict order. I must now return to a period earlier than
anything already narrated, and pass in review other phases of my
search from then up till recently. So long since that I have
forgotten the date, I used every morning to visit a spot where I
could get a clear view of the east. Immediately on rising I
went out to some elms; thence I could see across the dewy fields
to the distant hill over or near which the sun rose. These elms partially
hid me, for at that time I had a dislike to being seen, feeling that I