skill asleep, as he had almost done mine, till I observed him very
dangerously turn his discourse upon the elegance of her dress, and
her judgment in the choice of that very pretty mourning. Having had
women before under my care, I trembled at the apprehension of a man
of sense who could talk upon trifles, and resolved to stick to my
post with all the circumspection imaginable. In short, I
prepossessed her against all he could say to the advantage of her
dress and person; but he turned again the discourse, where I found I
had no power over her, on the abusing her friends and acquaintance.
He allowed, indeed, that Flora had a little beauty, and a great deal
of wit; but then she was so ungainly in her behaviour, and such a
laughing hoyden! Pastorella had with him the allowance of being
blameless; but what was that towards being praiseworthy? To be only
innocent is not to be virtuous! He afterwards spoke so much against
Mrs. Dipple's forehead, Mrs. Prim's mouth, Mrs. Dentifrice's teeth,
and Mrs. Fidget's cheeks that she grew downright in love with him;
for it is always to be understood that a lady takes all you detract
from the rest of her sex to be a gift to her. In a word, things
went so far that I was dismissed. The next, as I said, I went to
was a common swearer. Never was a creature so puzzled as myself
when I came first to view his brain; half of it was worn out, and
filled up with mere expletives that had nothing to do with any other
parts of the texture; therefore, when he called for his clothes in a
morning, he would cry, 'John!' John does not answer. 'What a
plague! nobody there? What the devil, and rot me, John, for a lazy
dog as you are!' I knew no way to cure him but by writing down all
he said one morning as he was dressing, and laying it before him on
the toilet when he came to pick his teeth. The last recital I gave
him of what he said for half an hour before was, 'What, the devil!
where is the washball? call the chairmen! d--n them, I warrant they