love of grappling with the apparently insurmountable to unite, and in
face of this _You dare not_, satisfy myself that I did dare.

As provisionally, self-abnegation, humility, and asceticism seemed to me
to be the most difficult things, for a time my whole spiritual life was
concentrated into an endeavour to attain them. Just at this time--I was
nineteen--my family was in a rather difficult pecuniary position, and I,
quite a poor student, was cast upon my own resources. I had consequently
not much of this world's goods to renounce. From a comfortable residence
in Crown Prince's Street, my parents had moved to a more modest flat in
the exceedingly unaristocratic Salmon Street, where I had an attic of
limited dimensions with outlook over roofs by day and a view of the
stars by night. Quiet the nights were not, inasmuch as the neighbouring
houses re-echoed with screams and shrieks from poor women, whom their
late-returning husbands or lovers thrashed in their cups. But never had
I felt myself so raised, so exhilarated, so blissfully happy, as in that
room. My days slipped by in ecstasy; I felt myself consecrated a
combatant in the service of the Highest. I used to test my body, in
order to get it wholly under my control, ate as little as possible,
slept as little as possible, lay many a night outside my bed on the bare
floor, gradually to make myself as hardy as I required to be. I tried to
crush the youthful sensuality that was awakening in me, and by degrees
acquired complete mastery over myself, so that I could be what I wished
to be, a strong and willing instrument in the fight for the victory of
Truth. And I plunged afresh into study with a passion and a delight that
prevented my perceiving any lack, but month after month carried me
along, increasing in knowledge and in mental power, growing from day to
day.