haddocks. At first sight of me--or, rather, of my umbrella--they
flew to icy cellars, brought up for my inspection soles at
eighteenpence a pound, recommended me prime parts of salmon, which my
landlady would have fried in a pan reeking with the mixed remains of
pork chops, rashers of bacon and cheese. It was closed to me, the
humble coffee shop, where for threepence I could have strengthened my
soul with half a pint of cocoa and four "doorsteps"--satisfactory
slices of bread smeared with a yellow grease that before the days of
County Council inspectors they called butter. You know of them, Mrs.
Wilkins? At sight of such nowadays I should turn up my jaded nose.
But those were the days of my youth, Mrs. Wilkins. The scent of a
thousand hopes was in my nostrils: so they smelt good to me. The
fourpenny beefsteak pie, satisfying to the verge of repletion; the
succulent saveloy, were not for the owner of the ivory-handled
umbrella. On Mondays and Tuesdays, perhaps, I could enjoy life at
the rate of five hundred a year--clean serviette a penny extra, and
twopence to the waiter, whose income must have been at least four
times my own. But from Wednesday to Saturday I had to wander in the
wilderness of back streets and silent squares dinnerless, where there
were not even to be found locusts and wild honey.

"It was, as I have said, a rainy season, and an umbrella of some sort
was a necessity. Fortunately--or I might not be sitting here, Mrs.
Wilkins, talking to you now--my one respectable acquaintance was
called away to foreign lands, and that umbrella I promptly put 'up
the spout.' You understand me?"

Mrs. Wilkins admitted she did, but was of opinion that twenty-five
per cent., to say nothing of the halfpenny for the ticket every time,
was a wicked imposition.