sin of mine might be that sin unpardonable, of which he there thus
speaketh, 'But he that blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost hath never
forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.'

"And now was I both a burden and a terror to myself; nor did I ever
so know as now what it was to be weary of my life and yet afraid to
die. O how gladly would I have been anybody but myself! anything but
a man! and in any condition but my own! for there was nothing did
pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was impossible for me
to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from wrath to come."

He set himself to compare his sin with that of David and Peter, but
saw that there were specialties in his guilt which made it far
greater. The only case which he could compare to his own was that of
Judas.

"About this time I did light on the dreadful story of that miserable
mortal, Francis Spira. Every sentence in that book, every groan of
that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolors, as his
tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of hands, his
twisting, and languishing, and pining away, under the mighty hand of
God that was upon him, was as knives and daggers to my soul;
especially that sentence of his was frightful to me, 'Man knows the
beginning of sin, but who bounds the issues thereof!' Then would the
former sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall like a hot
thunderbolt again upon my conscience, 'For you know how, that
afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was
rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it
carefully with tears.' Then should I be struck into a very great
trembling, insomuch that at sometimes I could, for whole days